I guess this would be the only place that gives me the freedom to truly express how I really feel when I'm down. Years ago, I used to express my thoughts and emotions in this blog AND in Twitter (sometimes in Facebook too).
Not to say that I'm banned from doing so, but to avoid people from coming up to me and ask about my 'emo updates' both on Twitter and Facebook and maybe receive some 'lecturing' after that. No thanks. At least I know that not many people will come and drop by or visit this blog. I doubt not many knows about the existence of this blog, so it would be somewhat good news for me.
Last weekend, I was left with no choice but to follow my family back to Kluang to celebrate grandma's (Mom's side of the family) birthday. At the same time, the day I head back to Kluang is also the 3rd and final day of Revo RE:UNION. And so happen the Lightbulb dance team are scheduled to perform on that day. Obviously, I was really sad (and angry at the same time) when I heard about the news that I could not join and perform with the team this time round. Not only do I get to not perform dance with the team, but what frustrates me most is that I'm gonna miss the EPCC-ians till the next time I see them (which most probably would be next year) and I didn't get to spend more time with them 2 days before I leave. I shall not go further into details about the story as the remaining parts would be my rants and complains and some other stuff.
But after all this, I thought I would've let go and forget about it and move on with life. Pictures just have to be posted up on Facebook and to be honest, when those pictures were shown to people who (have no choice and) did not went for the conference, the feeling sucks! Seriously. Not too long ago, I saw pictures of the performance and once again, I was reminded that I missed out on the event. Immediately after all this, thoughts started flowing in and I was so depressed and eventually, I gave in to emotions. Though I always tell myself and to some other people that life is meant to be meaningful and we should always put a smile on our face, but there are times when we need to fall down, in able for us to be able to stand and rise up again.
Yes, it may seem that I'm searching for excuses to 'cover up' on my childish-characteristics-to-get-jealous-over-things-like-that. But whatever, I do admit it and I'm the type of person who hates losing.
Up till now, there are only a few people where I can really turn towards to and rant all I want on them. And I have to say, I am thankful that I have friends like them beside me. Adding to that, I came to realize once again that I should not expect too much from people. I looked like a fool to myself as I always tend to expect sympathy from certain people. It is these sorta thoughts and always keeps me thinking and questioning myself, questioning God as well. Am I invincible in people's eyes now? Will people notice my existence if I'm gone? All this may seem like a Lack of Attention action and words to you readers out there, but I don't care. Judge all you want if that ever makes you feel happy. I have no comment towards that. I'm just being struck by my emotions at this odd hour in the middle of the night and I don't think I know what nonsense and crap I just wrote in this post.
♠ Vanessa ♠™
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